Sermon Excerpt: What Forgiveness is Not

I want to talk about what forgiveness is not, because in the past decade or so there seems to be more and more confusion on this issue both inside and outside of churches. What does Jesus say? “If your brother offends you, forgive him - as many times as necessary.” “If someone harms you, turn the other cheek.”

Here’s a couple of things that I’m pretty sure Jesus did not say, but in the past two years people have been in my office talking to me about it.

Jesus might have been willing to say “When you loan someone money or help them in some way, and they are irresponsible and do not keep their promises or commitments you should forgive the debt and not be angry.”

I’m quite certain that Jesus did not say, “So therefore when they come to you the next month and ask for additional help from you, having forgiven the debt, you are obligated now to give them more.”

Forgiveness means that you are letting go of the past. Forgiveness does not mean that you are obligated to act in the future as if nothing had ever happened between you. Giving someone the tools to continue to fail in the same way that they have been failing up until now is not forgive-ness, that is enabling. And in theory, most of us know that, but when we are dealing with people we care about, it gets really confusing sometimes.

There was a kind and generous woman in my office last year. She wanted to help people. She offered housing to people at very reduced rates when they were in need. She would go further and loan them money - all in the name of Jesus. She was never clear about her expectations for repayment. She never had anything in writing. She never looked into the past history or the possible addictions of any of these people, and she got taken again, and again.

She was in my office saying, “Jesus tells us to do this, but I just can’t anymore.” And I wanted to say, “Well, duh!” The problem is, when it’s somebody else you can see really obviously that the behavior isn’t helping anyone, but when it’s someone you care about - when it’s your kid or your sister...sometimes we will put out and put out in the name of forgiveness. We tell ourselves we are being good Christians, but forgiveness is the wrong label to put on it. Jesus, after all, said to people “Go and sin no more” - and he said that after he had healed and forgiven them.

There’s another place where this kind of scenario plays out all the time - the scenario where we confuse forgiveness, we confuse letting go of the past with giving someone continuing permis-sion or opportunities to harm others. That is the arena of abuse, particularly sexual abuse by clergy or other leaders in authority.

I’ve been in ministry long enough to have been through this story a few times, I’m sorry to say. The first time I was still in seminary, and there were photographs, incontrovertible evidence, of a youth worker with several undressed members of the youth group. Even with photos to back up the story, it was nasty. Even so, within a year the man in question was seeking a position in youth ministry at another local church and there was hew and cry among many in our congrega-tion as well as the new one. People argued “We are Christians! Where is the grace? We should forgive him!” Jesus said to forgive. He never said “Forgive them and then put them back in the exact situation where they have the authority and opportunity to continue to abuse others.”

Again, from a distance, it seems so obvious. The problem comes when the pastor or teacher or whoever it is is someone that you personally trusted; someone you loved. Someone about whom you just have to say “Him? No, it couldn’t possibly be him. My kids loved him.” Then it is so hard to see, so hard to believe, so hard to hold someone accountable. Can we forgive? Yes. Can we continue to love and care for? Yes. Can that person be part of church in the future? Yes - if there is honesty about what has gone before. But can we restore authority to people who have used that authority for harm? No. No. No. Not ever.